原文找不到了，只在这里还有一个copy：
http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/a-son-never-dies-by-sunil-gupta-moving-letter-from-a-father-of-an-ibanking-analyst
一开始我根本没有仔细看他写的那篇文章。不就是一个老年丧子的人在回忆、在无语问苍天吗？每次发生类似的事情，都会有人跳出来说我们应该反思。我们为什么要反思？
突然有一天，看到有人说他身上有我们很多亚裔家长的写照。Trigger这个东西很神奇，somehow我就被这句话触动到了。就开始想，到底都照出什么来了呢？到底我们是怎样的一种类型？
文章里，这个爸爸也在问：如果。。。会不会。。。其实，哪里有那么多的如果？重新来过，即使他有一两件事做法不一样，整体效果也不会有大的区别。因为人的一生不是一两件小事组成的。每个moment都在影响着我们的走向。独立事件只能反映某种状态，而不能逆转趋势。生死攸关，我们能反思的也是一个态度而已，而不是某种做法的对错。
其实，这个爸爸很多做法值得我们学习。比如，生活所迫的时候，他没有倒下，而是积极努力。他在努力寻求突破的时候，也还记得家庭孩子最重要，全心投入孩子的教育，没有抱怨堂堂大男人做的是看孩子的事。而且他一直对家庭美满怀有一颗感恩的心。
但是，这么重要的经历显然没有在孩子心里留下任何烙印。唯一有的，可能就是他说的，孩子曾经要求他不要去接，因为“这样会显得他没有工作一样”。
生活说到最后，其实就是各种各样的经历，自己的、别人的、真实的、虚幻的。成长需要挫折，挫折归根结底也就是一种经历。但是这种经历出现伤害的可能性太大。我们就over protective的帮孩子们承担了。然后，再人为的造出一些可控的挫折环境来让孩子去锻炼。或者，让他们去读那些名人传记励志故事，希望他们能从中学到东西。这些我都不反对。比如，像这个爸爸当初的情况，我也不同意让孩子出去打工帮挣零花钱。但是，一个已经理解“爸爸没有工作会被人嘲笑”的孩子，也应该知道家里正在经历低谷，应该知道爸爸正在努力扭转局面。或者他可以知道的更多。比如，贫困和被嘲笑都无所谓，因为up and down是生活的正常状态。比如，走出低谷需要有支撑，这个支撑可以很简单，简单到就只是家里孩子的一张笑脸。。。
虎妈刚出名的时候，我拒绝承认我们亚裔的父母就是那个样子的。我不是，我的父母也不是。可是，当我看到这个父亲后悔当初劝儿子再坚持坚持的时候，我确确实实的看到了“我们”的影子。
工作不顺利的时候有辞职的想法不过分吧？辞职之前会征求亲朋的意见也很正常。被征求到了意见，很多人都会说再坚持坚持试试吧？有什么不对的呢？这些都很正常，不反常，没有错误，nothing out of line here。但是，看看这个爸爸的回忆，“we did not give him an open mandate to quit, as he probably, wanted”。。。。。。“'Sonny I did not want you to quit, but now since, you have done so, we are with you. Come back home'”。。。。。。“Not something I wanted him to do, at this stage of his career. I desired, that he should complete his one year at Goldman Sachs, learn something about corporate life and then decide.”。。。。。。最后，“I got furious. 'Take fifteen days leave and come home', I said. He quipped 'they will not allow'. I said, 'tell them to consider this as your resignation letter.'”。。。。。。
看到这些，我想很多人都会和我一样痛心。孩子已经那么优秀了，为什么不能相信他的判断，支持他辞职呢？工作哪里有命重要，不好就换一个呗。为什么一定要他坚持？为什么不让他辞职？到最后才愤怒是不是太晚了？
为什么。。。如果。。。会不会。。。做为父亲，写下这段文字的时候，他也在这样质问自己。
最初我只是看新闻评论中的叙述时，我虽然痛心、虽然同情，还是觉得自己不会那样的。我能做到相信孩子，不会逼孩子到绝路的。我的父母，我的亲人，我见过的很多很多人，都懂得什么成绩、什么工作表现，都比不上我们孩子的生命来得珍贵。。。。。。孩子，孩子，孩子。。。。。。可是，这里我们谈到的，是一个青年，已经不是孩子了， a young investment banker！
一个成年人，在做出工作相关决定的时候，还寄希望于得到父母的首肯。在父母面前，当他不能够达到所谓的优秀程度时，他还在努力的解释，希望可以justify自己的失败。在被逼着没日没夜的工作的时候，休假不被允许的时候，他也只是抱怨，像一个小孩子抱怨功课太多那样的抱怨。抱怨，没有愤怒。。。。。。因为，他一直就没有真正的长大。他还是那个希望得到周围人表扬的孩子，做父母的骄傲，做全A的学生。而他父亲，教了他知识，教了他努力，把他看得比什么都重的父亲，却忘了教他长大，也忘了告诉自己，孩子长大以后也不再属于自己。直到他写下这篇文章的时候，父亲还是在怀念一个孩子。一个乖乖的、优秀得无与伦比的，孩子。他后悔的，也还是自己为什么没有‘让’孩子去做这做那。
陪伴、认同、信任、接受、还有无条件的爱，这些虽然说起来难，我们努力都能或多或少的做到。放手，才是最不好学的那一门功课。放手让孩子长大。别人眼里的大人，在我们的心中也应该是顶天立地的。一个心里上的成年人，才能懂得生活中没有成绩单，别人不尊重他的时候也能愤怒起来。。。。。。。
如果时光不可以倒流，我们只有努力不让悲剧重演。
2015-07-16
2015-07-01
The Bird Who Wanted to Fly
记得儿子Kindergarten学年结束的时候，背回来了大摞大摞的各种课堂练习。其中有一个几句话的小故事很有意思，题目叫The Bird Who Wanted to Fly。故事大意就是：“从前有一只鸟想学游泳。学游泳很难，他很努力地学，终于学会了。可是当他学会游泳的时候，他发现他不会飞了。The End。”学前班的小朋友，遣词造句都很简单幼稚，但是读到这篇小文的时候我确实感觉眼前一亮。过后想起来，儿子那段时间很喜欢成语。天天拉着我们比赛成语接龙，也听了不少成语故事。写那个故事之前应该是我们刚刚给他讲了邯郸学步。
呼得一晃，儿子就上了二年级了，还被老师选上，去参加学校PTA组织的Junior Great Books的活动。整个活动历时一个学年。每个参加的小孩发一本书。据说里面有很多精选的短篇故事。每个星期，参加的孩子要自己先读好指定的文章，然后大家讨论。
这个活动听起来好像很高大上的样子，我们大人跟着激动了半天。结果儿子去了几次，每次回来我都问不出个所以然。就知道是一个家长志愿者带领他们讨论。怎么讨论？反正就是讨论呗！再刨了半天根，我也就听到了老师（家长志愿者）说如果你要是事先忘了读，当周的活动就不用参加了。还有，该活动占用了每星期四早上的音乐课时间，儿子很不爽。。。总之，我理解，这个活动就跟学校组织的大多数活动一样，噱头有，实际就那么回事。我也就不上心了。书，儿子一直留在学校里。每个星期二、三我会说一句“别忘了读这周的故事啊”。里面具体有什么“经典”我也没有看过。
这样一直到了五月份。某天我照常提醒。结果小子说：“我们所有的读完了。后面要每人写一个故事。老师给打印成一本书。写什么都行，随便。”一听这个，我又兴奋了，跳起来打算给娃提建议。还没等我说话，儿子就说：“我知道写什么。你还记得我Kindergarten写那个The Bird Who Wanted to Swim吗？我就写那个。”
我一边提醒自己不要管的太多，一边提建议：还写那个故事当然可以。那个故事很有想法。但是你现在大了，不能那么简单的写。很多地方要be descriptive。小子听了，马上说：“我知道。比如说，instead of a bird, I'll write a brown bird。”
就这么就开始写了。写了好几天，改了好几次。我也帮着改了一下语法的小错误。就是下面这个故事了。我怎么觉得还没有当初那个三五句话的好？问儿子他要想表达什么，儿子说：不是所有的故事都需要moral。。。
Once upon a time, there was a bird named Joe. He was usually laughed by other birds because he wanted to learn swimming. Only his mother believed that he could swim.
She found a fish to teach him swimming and diving. First he learned how to dive. Diving was very easy for him because all he had to do was fly into the water.
But swimming was very difficult. His coach told him to come at 7AM every day and go home to eat lunch at 11AM. Then he wanted him to come back at 12:30PM. He only allowed Joe to leave at 7PM.
First Joe learned freestyle. It was hard at first but he got the hang of it. Next he learned backstroke. This was very hard for Joe. He practiced and practiced and finally learned backstroke.
He was a very good swimmer now. He wanted to swim ten miles. He swam one mile first. Then he swam two miles. Then five miles. Then finally ten miles!
After he mastered swimming, he heard that there’s was a swimming race for any kind of animal and the swimming race was going to be tomorrow. He immediately signed up.
There are four obstacles in the race. The first obstacle is a maze. The racers had to go through the maze in order to pass the first obstacle.
The second obstacle was a moving fire ring that was twelve feet wide and twelve feet tall. They had to go through the ring to pass the second obstacle.
The third was an iceberg that came from the South Pole. The last obstacle was an air tunnel that didn’t have water.
The next day, Joe woke up bright and early and went to the starting line of the race. There were jellyfish, pufferfish, a school of fish, a shark and a dolphin. They were all in tanks of water waiting to start.
When the whistle blew, all the animals (except Joe) jumped out of their tanks and leaped into the water. Joe flew into the water and the race started.
The first obstacle was in sight. The dolphin and the shark were first. Joe was second. They were getting closer to the maze. Joe was very excited because it was the first race he had ever been in. He was concentrating so hard on his swimming that he forgot to look for paths.
Whenever he saw a new passage, he went in it. In a minute, he was lost. He forgot where he came from and he didn’t know what to do. It was ten minutes before he thought of something, “Why don’t I fly over the walls and look for a path that leads to the end of the maze.”
At that point, Joe looked to see if anybody was watching and then he flew into the air. He saw a path that led to the end of the maze and then he flew down. He swam out of the maze.
The shark and the dolphin were a little ahead of him. He saw the school of fish right behind him. Last came the jellyfish. The pufferfish was nowhere to be seen.
Joe started swimming again. The fire ring was moving toward them. When the school of fish saw the fire ring, they all forfeited at the same time.
The dolphin, the shark and the jellyfish just went through the fire ring. Joe closed his eyes and flew through the fire ring. Now there was only the shark, the dolphin, Joe and the jellyfish.
The shark was first but he didn’t see the third obstacle coming: THE ICEBERG! The shark crashed into the iceberg and fainted. The dolphin and the jelly fish passed the iceberg in a second but Joe felt him getting weak from the cold. He tried to flap his wings but his wings were frozen. He tried one last time and managed to pass the iceberg.
The last obstacle was the air tunnel. The jellyfish, the dolphin and Joe all jumped into the tunnel. The dolphin leaped so far that he jumped out of the tunnel right away. The jellyfish wasn’t so lucky though. He got stuck in the tunnel and had to be rescued.
Joe just flew through the tunnel and kept on going. Joe was ahead of the dolphin but he realized he had a sprained leg! He used all his might and he WON!
He got a shiny cup that read: “Joe, The Winner of 2015’s Swimming Race!” Ten years later, Joe was the champion at almost all swimming competitions, but he forgot how to fly.
就这么就开始写了。写了好几天，改了好几次。我也帮着改了一下语法的小错误。就是下面这个故事了。我怎么觉得还没有当初那个三五句话的好？问儿子他要想表达什么，儿子说：不是所有的故事都需要moral。。。
Once upon a time, there was a bird named Joe. He was usually laughed by other birds because he wanted to learn swimming. Only his mother believed that he could swim.
She found a fish to teach him swimming and diving. First he learned how to dive. Diving was very easy for him because all he had to do was fly into the water.
But swimming was very difficult. His coach told him to come at 7AM every day and go home to eat lunch at 11AM. Then he wanted him to come back at 12:30PM. He only allowed Joe to leave at 7PM.
First Joe learned freestyle. It was hard at first but he got the hang of it. Next he learned backstroke. This was very hard for Joe. He practiced and practiced and finally learned backstroke.
He was a very good swimmer now. He wanted to swim ten miles. He swam one mile first. Then he swam two miles. Then five miles. Then finally ten miles!
After he mastered swimming, he heard that there’s was a swimming race for any kind of animal and the swimming race was going to be tomorrow. He immediately signed up.
There are four obstacles in the race. The first obstacle is a maze. The racers had to go through the maze in order to pass the first obstacle.
The second obstacle was a moving fire ring that was twelve feet wide and twelve feet tall. They had to go through the ring to pass the second obstacle.
The third was an iceberg that came from the South Pole. The last obstacle was an air tunnel that didn’t have water.
The next day, Joe woke up bright and early and went to the starting line of the race. There were jellyfish, pufferfish, a school of fish, a shark and a dolphin. They were all in tanks of water waiting to start.
When the whistle blew, all the animals (except Joe) jumped out of their tanks and leaped into the water. Joe flew into the water and the race started.
The first obstacle was in sight. The dolphin and the shark were first. Joe was second. They were getting closer to the maze. Joe was very excited because it was the first race he had ever been in. He was concentrating so hard on his swimming that he forgot to look for paths.
Whenever he saw a new passage, he went in it. In a minute, he was lost. He forgot where he came from and he didn’t know what to do. It was ten minutes before he thought of something, “Why don’t I fly over the walls and look for a path that leads to the end of the maze.”
At that point, Joe looked to see if anybody was watching and then he flew into the air. He saw a path that led to the end of the maze and then he flew down. He swam out of the maze.
The shark and the dolphin were a little ahead of him. He saw the school of fish right behind him. Last came the jellyfish. The pufferfish was nowhere to be seen.
Joe started swimming again. The fire ring was moving toward them. When the school of fish saw the fire ring, they all forfeited at the same time.
The dolphin, the shark and the jellyfish just went through the fire ring. Joe closed his eyes and flew through the fire ring. Now there was only the shark, the dolphin, Joe and the jellyfish.
The shark was first but he didn’t see the third obstacle coming: THE ICEBERG! The shark crashed into the iceberg and fainted. The dolphin and the jelly fish passed the iceberg in a second but Joe felt him getting weak from the cold. He tried to flap his wings but his wings were frozen. He tried one last time and managed to pass the iceberg.
The last obstacle was the air tunnel. The jellyfish, the dolphin and Joe all jumped into the tunnel. The dolphin leaped so far that he jumped out of the tunnel right away. The jellyfish wasn’t so lucky though. He got stuck in the tunnel and had to be rescued.
Joe just flew through the tunnel and kept on going. Joe was ahead of the dolphin but he realized he had a sprained leg! He used all his might and he WON!
He got a shiny cup that read: “Joe, The Winner of 2015’s Swimming Race!” Ten years later, Joe was the champion at almost all swimming competitions, but he forgot how to fly.
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